1/31 - "If you go camping with your wife, don't try to get intimate in the tent - racoons might be listening."
1/30 - "If you want to sell your soul, that's fine. Just make sure you get a decent price for it." (G)
1/29 - "If your friend wants to make love to a rhinoceros, make him stop. Unless, of course, your friend IS a rhinoceros." (G)
1/28 - "Eh, no... energy... today... sorry. Make... own... tip."
1/27 - "Incorporate 'badbye' into your daily speech. It's what you say when someone leaves who doesn't deserve your blessing." (G)
1/26 - "If the wife asks you if she looks good, start choking on a peanut. If you say no, you're in trouble with her, and if you say yes, you're in trouble with the boss!" (G)
1/25 - "If you're at a party for work, and your boss asks if his wife looks good, but she doesn't - tell him that. He'll appreciate your honesty."
1/24 - "A good hiding place for hide and seek is the neighbor's bomb shelter. Nobody will ever find you and you can eat while you wait."
1/23 - (G) "!siht ekil sdrawkcab gnipyt yrt derob yllaer er'uoy fI"
1/22 - "Is Braille on restroom signs for 'men' and 'women' really necessary? It's not like the person is going to see anything -- they're blind!" (G)
1/21 - "Here's something to think about: Can you really believe a girl with amnesia when she says she's a virgin?" (G)
1/20 - "Instead of rinsing dishes in the sink, like normal people, try leaving them outside - then wait for it to rain."
1/19 - "Ponder this: If you stick a light 'where the light don't shine', what happens?" (G)
1/18 - "Don't fall for pranks that make you think you can win money online. If you do, you're just plain stupid."
1/17 - "Next time you have nothing to do, try to think of what to call corn when you want to specify that it is not on the cob. The best I have come up with so far is corn-on-the-cob and corn-not-on-the-cob. There has to be a better way." (G)
1/16 - "Here's a tip: send in guest tips to our site. Nobody's sending them in, so now the winner gets 10 bucks."
1/14 - "It's probably not a good idea to talk about how much you like 007 if you're hanging out with 008 -- He might get jealous." (G)
1/13 - "If you ever have the urge to dress up like a kangaroo, hopping around town and stuffing people in your pouch, just do it man!" (G)
1/12 - "Here's what you do for a headache: Take a sledgehammer and pound your foot a couple of times. It hurts so bad, you forget about your headache."
1/11 - "If you find yourself thinking 'I could eat', then do." (G)
1/10 - "Don't keep licorice in your pants. It's pokey." (G)
1/9 - "If you're a white person and happen to meet a black person for the first time, it's probably not a good idea to greet him by saying: 'Hey yo, what up nigga!?'" Ben, Provo UT
1/8 - "Have you ever wondered why men don't breastfeed? Have you seen how protective men are of their food?! There wouldn't be any left for the baby!" (G)
1/7 - "If you start to think that the clouds look like breasts full of milk, you really need to get a girlfriend. Or a drink." (G)
1/6 - "If you take all the bad pieces from a game, only the good ones will be left." (G)
1/5 - "It's never a good idea to put electronic devices in your mouth."
1/4 - "When you go to the doctor, ask if he can hear your heart through clothing, because stethoscopes are freezing!"